You ever met someone that craved attention and was always seeking approval? Well, for 15 years of my adult life, that person was me.
I longed for attention, and I did not care if it was harmful or unhealthy, as long as I was getting it. I loved the pity that I received when I was down in the dumps. In my mind having people feel sorry for me made me feel loved and consoled. I felt like the only time people cared for me was when I was going through my mess. If someone was around to give me empathy, I was there to receive it.
Not properly dealing with past issues from childhood caused me to become an attention-seeking adult. My deep-rooted insecurity and lack of self-esteem consumed my emotions, causing me to believe that I did not deserve happiness.
While growing up, I was the “good child.” My grades were excellent, and for the most part, I followed the rules and did everything right. Yet, I always felt from deep within overlooked. Although I was far from perfect, occasionally getting into typical childhood mischief, but nothing major, it-still-was-not-enough.
It was my brother who was the “free-spirited” one. From my perspective, he received a lot, if not all, of my parents’ attention. I wanted to be a shining light in their eyes, too, so upon entering my adolescent years, I began to get into trouble. I didn’t care that I received unfavorable attention from my parents; I was happy that they noticed me. I felt that I had to be disruptive with minor delinquent behavior to obtain the heartfelt recognition I longed to experience.
Depression and sickness were the manifestations of my issues. At the age of 10, I developed chronic migraines that continued into adulthood, and by the age of 12, I became immune to Ibuprophen because I took them regularly, with the hopes of ending my life.
As I got older, I sought attention by pursuing relationships with men that I knew were toxic. My self-esteem was nonexistent, and I just wanted to feel loved. In these relationships, I endured every form of abuse except physical. I stayed in relationships and caught whatever toxicity came my way because of the ounces of attention I received.
Although I desired more than anything to fill the void in my heart that had been present since childhood, I continued entertaining toxic relationships from 19 to 34. I stayed in relationships for years with the wrong men and had the nerve to marry one.
In 2016, I met Freedom Coach Nataushia Miller. That year she launched her Fear to Freedom Boot Camp (now called Freedom from Trauma Boot Camp), and I enrolled. During the Boot Camp, I realized that God could only fill the void I was trying to satisfy. I was able to unpack all my mess and start my healing process.
The first thing I had to do was repent. I realized that I kept God on the back shelf and only took Him down when I felt I needed Him. During the Boot Camp, I came to see, know, and understand my worth, and God loved me even in all my brokenness. I begin to spend time with God daily. With the Boot Camp and my new prayer life, I uncovered my fears and my triggers. I learned how to combat the spirit of fear successfully.
For anyone going through something similar where you see yourself using your soul wounds to gain attention, remember that God loves you, and He is the only one you must please. He is the only one that can fill any void you have in your heart. You have a purpose in life, and God is here to help you fulfill it.
Johnria Deberry is a woman of faith, Author, Speaker, Non-Profit Consultant, and Grant Writer. She is the Founder of Younigue Diamonds in the Rough, a mentorship program for teenage girls. She is also the Founder of Deberry’s Non-Profit Consulting Group, LLC, where she guides you through the phases of establishing your non-profit organization: From Start-Up to Legacy Ready.
I can remember the conversations like it was yesterday. “Boy, you ain’t got you none yet…?” These were the questions asked to me by my older cousins. I was roughly 11ish at the time.
I grew up in rural Arkansas, very much the country. While growing up with majority male cousins, I had an introduction to porn at an early age. Typically, when the adults were at the next house or sometimes even in a different room, the older guys would go to the porn stash and pop in a video.
Initially, I wasn’t allowed in the rooms, but I guess that thought, “what could it hurt? He has to learn at some point,” was my entrance ticket. It wasn’t long before I knew way too much for my age. See, the questions they asked me came long after my introduction to pornography. It was something we just did as kids when the adults were away.
Some kids turn to alcohol, others turn to drugs (prescription or non), but my vice was lustful early in life.
As I aged, the thought of “getting some” never really left my mind. I thought that is what you are supposed to do. We didn’t have any conversations regarding sex and the dangers of it outside of marriage. Despite growing up attending church, I knew sex was supposed to be for marriage only.
I remember how many students were getting promise rings and claiming celibacy or purity only to “slip” at prom night if they even waited that long. Sex, lust, fornication—it was everywhere you turned. People talked about it in locker rooms, classrooms, at church, on the bus, etc.
Throughout my early years, I never turned away from the idea. I wasn’t highly sexually active in high school, but college was a different story.
My Bleeding Wounds:
Shun fornication! Every sin that a person commits is outside the body; but the fornicator sins against the body itself.
1 Corinthians 6:18 NRSV
College brought on an entirely new journey in life. I attended church semi-regularly, but I hadn’t wholly conquered that near becoming sex addiction. I say, nearly a growing obsession because there were spouts of time when I was not active. Sex was a part of my life I was putting before God.
I didn’t realize how I was creating soul ties, which would leave me feeling empty at times. I am not sure what I was searching for or just caught up in the act. How could something terrible for you internally feel so good externally?
I didn’t realize how I was creating soul ties, which would leave me feeling empty at times. I am not sure what I was searching for or just caught up in the act. How could something terrible for you internally feel so good externally?
There’s more to sex than skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical act. As written in Scripture, the two become one. Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever–the kind of sex that can never become one. There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God modeled love, for becoming one with another. Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.
1 Corinthians 6:16-20 MSG
As I struggled over the years, I knew I had to get a handle on these urges. “Your body is a temple, keep it holy” was a scripture which would replay here and there, but I was ignoring it.
My Worship Encounters
In 2009 I was making big and scary moves in life. I knew I needed God to make it, though. I remember my “come to Jesus” talk during that year. I had been praying for a career change but didn’t quite know what God would present me with; I just knew I needed Him in this stage of life. By this time, I started to attend church regularly. I mean front row, note-taking, tithing, and all.
I still hadn’t quite kicked the habit at this point, but it was better than other times in my life. I was praying to God about my decision to leave my job, a four-day workweek, paid weekly, and no nights and no weekends type of gig. I vividly remember going over the line items of expenses asking the Lord if He was sure I was supposed to be working full commissions.
“But God, I have a car note, rent by myself, and all these other bills…. are you sure?”
God: “Jeff, do you trust Me?”
“Of course, I trust you!”
God: “Then why are we having these conversations about doubts!?!”
According to Meyers and Briggs (this is the perfect time to let you know my personality style), I am an ENTP-A (Debater). I love a good debate. I often switch sides on topics to enjoy the mental sparring of the opposing views.
I found myself trying to use my wit against The Almighty. I remember thinking, ok, just hit Him with this comment. No wait, says this…that’ll work. Back and forth, I went until it hit me.
For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11 NRSV
It wasn’t so much the verse but the understanding of who I was battling. I knew I had to submit to my covering. In this season, I learned the difference between obedience and sacrifice. Sacrifice is giving up something of a lower nature to achieve something of a high nature. I have since learned that obedience is better than sacrifice.
During this conversation, God said, “If you are anxious about the money, what are you willing to sacrifice for your success?”
My immediate answer was: SEX
God said: “Ok, if you give that up, you have nothing to worry about, I’ll take care of you.”
I have never struggled with drugs or alcohol, but sex was hard to pass, especially in a relationship. I thought that’s how you were supposed to date.
After this declaration, I learned about the Sexual Transmutation of Energy from the book “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill. Sex, when confined in a loving container (marriage), is promoted while sins against the flesh outside of marriage have very negative consequences to success and productivity.
The Law of Obedience became more evident as I learned more. God was about to move in, and through me, in ways, I hadn’t yet experienced.
I was doing great on my new-found journey of celibacy. I discovered a new power, the power to say no to sex. It was interesting going on dates and having the celibate until marriage conversation. I also learned how unusual that was coming out of a man’s mouth.
I was roughly three years into this journey when I slipped. I backslid into sex as an outlet. Pride quickly came in. I remember thinking, “It’s ok to add it back into my life. I have a handle on this business stuff. I know how to get back on track if my production fails.”
The problem was ignoring the Source of my strength and blessings. I let pride creep into my life, assuming I was working hard, so I deserved to enjoy my hard work and indulge a little. After bumping my head for years, along with a few bad relationships, I found myself in need of help.
My last relationship brought me close to God than ever before. I was broken and exhausted. I had been emotionally, verbally, spiritually, and even physically abused in previous relationships, so I knew I had to change my habits.
God told me I need Him more than I did my ex. But why was I so loyal to someone so bad for me. He said, “If you focused on loving me as much as you are trying to love her, you wouldn’t have these issues right now!”
Easy right?…there’s only one problem. No one ever told me what it meant to date God. I never had a blueprint on how that looked. I knew it was time to retake my celibacy walk; this time, my purpose was different.
In 2018 I ended up joining three life groups at my church and even led a few lessons. I discovered a newfound love and passion for learning and growing in Christ. The devil tried to temp me early on, but I won that battle with the Strength of the LORD. I felt so accomplished activating the strength of God and being able to recognize the slips (triggers that make you go against what you know you should be doing).
I started to heal from those past wounds of sexual trauma. I was introduced to sex entirely too early and carried that with me for many years. Through Christ, I was able to fight that stronghold and learn to date God.
My Words of Wisdom
When I speak on the “The Slip” journey, I remind people to give themselves a bit of grace while creating new habits and breaking strongholds. You don’t have to step out on this journey alone. Getting involved in good quality life groups can save you in so many ways.
Proverbs 27:17 speaks about “iron sharpening iron…” which are relationships you find in a life group. I found so much healing in talking to other men about their journey, struggles, and healing. It gave me life and purpose to share, but it also allowed others to intercede and pray for my strength.
No matter what your past circumstances are, they in no way define who you are, moving forward. There’s so much healing in sharing your story. They say the mess you went through was only to create the message God wanted you to share. Give Him the glory, honor, and praise for your healing.
God has blessed my life many times over. Being healed has allowed me to grow my business to heights I had once only imagined. I am now married to a beautiful soul, and when the LORD took us on such a journey, I only thought I had seen him work! The visions He showed to us was full of clarity and precision. You can fight as much as you want to, but when He has a calling, I found it best to STOP, SUBMIT and EXPECT Him to show you things about yourself you’ve never seen before.
By no means am I perfect, nor are any of us, but I know God has a plan for my life—not to harm me but to give me hope and an abundant future! “We’ve all fallen short of the glory,” but we don’t have to let that be what keeps us from receiving His promises and blessings.
JEFFERY HILL is a man of God, husband, speaker, author, entreprenuer, and CEO of Hill Financial Group, Inc. (a wealth accumulation firm). He has helped countless individuals and business owners create tax-free generational wealth with a Retirement 2.0 Model for saving and investing.
As a teenager and an emerging young woman, I experienced several traumas back-to-back. Some were sexual violations by grown men, my parents divorcing, one was an abortion, another homelessness, yet another was poverty. For three years, I felt like I was living hell on earth.
During those days, it seemed as if the moment I would take a deep breath, another traumatic event would consume my exhale. Over time I began to dwell in the place of being a victim. After all, I was a recipient of victimization regularly, so why not just live there? It never made me feel better, but at least I would be ready for when it happened repeatedly.
Many years passed before I realized that I had succumbed to a victim mentality. Who does that? I did, without even realizing such problematic truth. Playing the victim became my forte, and I was oblivious.
According to Robert Leahy, Ph.D., there are six characteristics of victim-oriented thinking:
You feel powerless
You tend to see problems as catastrophic
You tend to think others purposefully hurt you
You believe others target you for mistreatment
You hold tightly to thoughts and feelings related to that of a victim
You feel compelled to keep painful memories alive, not forgive, and take revenge.
I was not living in each trauma continuously. Still, the consecutive traumatic experiences had conditioned me to live in a space where many times, I felt that any form of an adverse occurrence was assigned to attack me or break me down even further. Yet, many of the traumatic affairs were probably just happenstance. However, no matter the case, anger and rage became my ride or die companions. We became bosom buddies, and I felt empowered whenever I became angry or outraged. That false sense of power eventually became my armor. I protected my partners in crime at all costs, and it did not matter who got in the way of our fire—myself, anger, and rage would burn them all.
The turning point occurred when my husband and I were having a minor spat. I was enraged! I was plotting ways I could harm my beloved. I remember sitting on the stoop of our apartment when he asked me, “What is wrong with you?” I replied, “I don’t know. All I know is that I AM FURIOUS.” That very night I prayed, “God, I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I know I am not okay, and I need help.”
The next day I went to campus; I was a college student at the time, there were flyers everywhere. Everywhere I turned, flyers were plastered on walls offering help for women of color. I cannot remember the exact words, but the bulletins were a sign to me from God. I contacted the number to sign up for the seminar. Something about the flyer penetrated my soul, and I could not get it out of my mind. I looked forward to finding out more.
The seminar was on a Sunday afternoon. When I arrived, the room was full of women of all cultures and ethnicities. The facilitator was a black woman, Barbara Jackson. She guided us through a series of exercises. Towards the end, she asked who wanted to meet with her privately. I signed up immediately. Little did I know, I was about to face all those traumas I thought were so far behind me.
I remember my first meeting with Ms. Jackson. I wanted to talk about my husband and all the things he could do to be a better husband. I wanted to talk about my first boyfriend and how he played me for a fool. However, Ms. Jackson had other ideas. She stated firmly and lovingly, “Let’s talk about you.” I remember I paused, and I said, “If my husband would just do what I said, and my boyfriend would have just been faithful, we wouldn’t be here!” Ms. Jackson said, “Your boyfriend did no more than what you allowed, and your husband is not your slave.” Wow! Those words shook me at my core, and they set me on a path to healing.
I had to confront my traumas, and therapy was the safe space in which I could do just that. I was yet to heal from being molested, my parent’s divorce, or from a forced abortion. Not only had I not gained healing, but I was also bleeding all over my husband, my children, and anyone who stood still long enough to try and get to know me.
I had survived it all for purpose, but in the condition, I was in, I was blind to seeing such a reality. I was in a critical spiritual condition, and my soul was crying out for deep inner healing. I knew it was crucial when I was in therapy with Ms. Jackson twice a week, group therapy once a week, and marriage counseling with our pastor. I was a wreck. However, I started dreaming again.
I was so emotionally dead; I did not even realize I had stopped dreaming. I had always been a dreamer, but by becoming detached from myself because of chronic trauma, I lost touch with who God had called me to be. Looking back, I was a zombie–rotting and decaying spiritually and emotionally yet walking around like I was alive.
I remember during this season, I cried and cried and cried some more. I began to share my traumas with my pastor, and he prayed and prayed and prayed some more. I still remember my first authentic worship experience. It came in the living room of my house. There was a man on television, Bishop TD Jakes, and was ministering on “Woman Thou Art Loosed.” It was the Lord’s doing, and it was marvelous in my eyes.
I was not a religious television watcher, but this day I had the television on TBN. I was not a shouting kind of woman either. Something changed in me the day I watched this program. Although I would praise the LORD, it was this day that I had my first unadulterated worship encounter. I raised my hands. I cried out to God, and I felt the presence of God like I had never experienced before.
That encounter with God made me hunger and thirst for His presence all the time. I would seek out times to worship the LORD. I kept sitting at His feet during this time, and I felt like I was coming out of a deep slumber. I felt the fog lifting; I felt lighter. I started singing in my home again. I read my bible with an intensity I had not had since I was a child. I started communing with the Holy Spirit. I was being refreshed, renewed, and healed.
During this season, my pastor began to talk to me about the prophetic anointing that he could see in my life. He encouraged me in my gift and nurtured my call. I did a lot of personal healing, but I also received healing in some very public spaces. Our ministry functioned heavily in healing and deliverance, and our pastor had a heavy anointing for forgiveness. He ministered on forgiveness many times of the twenty-five years I was a part of the ministry. Every time he ministered, I would always rush to the altar. I did not want to take for granted that I was in a posture of forgiveness.
Forgiveness caused me to shed the weight of the grief I carried for so long. I realized living with grief and nurturing the spirit of despair is a dysfunction that became a normalized lifestyle. It was the root of my trauma. Instead of confronting my traumas immediately, I learned how to give grief the honor it does not deserve. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I had erected an idol in my life.
In the years since I began my therapy in earnest while seeking the face of God, I have come to realize that the enemy uses our traumas against us. If we suppress our trauma and neglect to deal with it God’s way, the enemy will use us as pawns. Then we, in turn, idolize aspects of our trauma to guard and protect ourselves, and mine was grief.
I do not know what your story is beloved, but you happened upon my words. I encourage you to seek God, seek therapy, and seek healing because your life depends on it. As a woman of Faith, I believe in prayer and therapy. Dig deep into God’s word and memorize healing scriptures because the weapons of your warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds (2 Corinthians 10:4). There are many books to supplement God’s word, too, and many have kept me on my path to healing. Do not get discouraged if you face setbacks along the way.
Remember, the enemy is like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. Be like David and face your giants head-on and be healed in Christ Jesus, Amen. May you go with God into a land of healing. Be blessed, Prophetess Tamara Brooks-Barnes.
TAMARA BROOKS-BARNES is a Prophetess of God, an author, wife, a mother of three, and grandmother of one grandson. She operates in the prophetic as a Seer. She has an anointing to heal the brokenhearted in the areas of post-abortion trauma, rape, and family & marriage restoration.
As nervous as I was, I always looked forward to my annual performance reviews because I wanted to hear how well I consummated my job description over the past year and areas where I can improve and get better for the following year. During my annual reviews, I would always receive feedback such as, “You possess a strong work ethic. Your work ethic exemplifies commitment to giving your best always, whether it be a project, task, or team. You are someone we can rely on to get the job done with excellence!”
Having maintained some form of employment since the age of 11, work became all I knew. It was what I subconsciously used to define me. I knew that there was more depth to who I am as a daughter of god the Father, and who I am to my family, friends, and community, and I would even use this to describe myself, but the truth is my work had forged a purpose in my life that put my authentic calling on the back burner.
Now, after working 25 years nonstop (without breaks), I found myself at a crossroads of being overworked, grieved, and depressed because my forged purpose had taken over my entire life! My career became not only a distraction but an idol that kept me from obeying God wholeheartedly.
Early 2020, before the COVID pandemic breakout, I was working 18-20-hour days six days a week, neglecting my family, friends, and health because I was loyal to a fault. I was more faithful to the company I worked for the past 12 years than I was to God and myself, which caused me to become internally grieved in my spirit. But why? Why had I allowed myself to get so engraved in my work that I began to neglect “life” itself?
When I began to ask myself these tough questions, I realized that not only had my work become an idol; it also became a daunting distraction to prevent me from dealing with myself and my problems. It prevented me from addressing JOHNA and allowing God to bring me to my next level in Him and operating my gifts.
Work had become the toxic cycle I used to maneuver in the Rat-Race. I had succumbed to it immensely, and I gladly used it as an excuse to keep me from growing in the LORD. I had become a busy body like Martha (see Luke 10:38-42). But once again, why?
I had become so addicted to work or anything else that kept my goals on the shelf. I always seemed to find a way to put everything and everyone before my own personal development goals and God-given visions for my life. I had gotten used to it. Work was just the new scapegoat I subconsciously used to deter me from allowing God to work in me, perfecting the gifts He gave me. It was time for an out!
Fall of 2019, I knew for sure that a shift had to and was about to occur. God had been speaking to me in a still small voice, preparing me for the unavoidable change He was orchestrating. Not only was my spirit grieved, but my physical body was also exhausted from working like a machine for the past 2 1/2 years.
After Hurricane Harvey hit the Gulf Coast in 2017, I took on a significant project. As a result, it was nonstop work for 2 1/2 years to help the community recover and restore a new sense of normalcy. As rewarding as helping the community was, it was also taxing on myself, my team, and colleagues. Simultaneously, my baby sister was finishing most of her senior year in high school and extracurricular events without me. I was missing practically everything, and this is when the shift began and when it became apparent that I was overworking and suffering from burnout.
It was during this time the Holy Spirit began to speak to me regarding loyalty. Simply put, there is nothing wrong with being loyal and committed to a task, but it is entirely wrong when that “task” comes before your commitment to God and yourself. Ouch, ouch, ouch, is how I felt from this conviction!
During this time of revelation, I began to prepare for the inevitable shift I knew was coming. God’s still small voice was getting louder and louder, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I had to MAKE A DECISION.
Words of Wisdom
February 2020, I made one of the hardest decisions in my life: walk away from that which was consuming my commitment and time away from my service to God. Yep, I decided to take a leap of faith and walk away from my “forged purpose” in work to fulfill my spiritual calling and begin seeking my divine purpose in God.
Oftentimes we get caught up in our talents that we neglect our spiritual gifting. Selah! There are things that we are naturally good at, somethings that come easy, that we find pleasure in doing. We often went to school for and obtained degrees and certificates to help fine-tune these talents. However, we cannot allow our natural talents to supersede the GIFTS that God Himself has placed in each one of us. Our natural abilities are to make way for our gifting. Romans 12:3-8 speaks of these gifts and how God has distributed to each of us different gifts to fulfill His purpose.
Walking away from a generous salary, benefits, excellent work culture, great team, and work that forged purpose in my life was difficult and took a new level of faith. It took a new level of trust because although I had taken many major faith leaps in the past, those leaps were before I had a family depending on me financially and before I had the countless responsibilities to heed. But if I can trust my natural self to take care of my needs, why couldn’t I trust God as my Provider to take care of ALL my needs?
It was a distorted reality I had accepted. When the truth is “A man’s gift maketh room for him, and bringeth him before great men” Proverbs 18:16 (KJV). Furthermore, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning” James 1:17 (KJV).
God was faithful in my season of idolatry to see to it that my family lacked for nothing. How much more faithful will He be superseding my expectations when I submit my loyalty to Him by allowing His fullness to be made whole through me while operating in my gifting? He is faithful to do just that!
Since shifting my loyalty and stepping out on faith with leaving my work, I have lacked for nothing and watched God perform miracles for myself and my family! If this is you, and you are finding yourself faced with the decision to fulfill your calling, I leave you to ponder on the following:
1. Are you currently grieved with where you are in life? If so, why? It is a tale-tale sign of needing a spiritual realignment.
2. Inventory your life. Are you operating out of your natural talents or your spiritual gifting?
3. Are you trusting God to guide you?
4. If God was entirely using you, how would it feel and look?
Once you have asked yourself these tough questions and answered them truthfully, I believe God will lead you to your next step of trusting Him! The shift from The Love of Loyalty for people, places, and things as forged purpose, to be faithful to God.
JOHNA RENEE HILL is a daughter of the King, wife, Author, Speaker, Community Leader and Business Strategist. She is a strong advocate for individuals from underserved communities with over 15 years of experience in Social Services and Project Management. Johna enjoys traveling the world while helping her clients expand their businesses.
I was once a slave to money. The lack of it, the need for it, the ever-fluctuating amount of it dominated my thoughts, emotions, actions, and in many ways, my life. The concept of money kept me up at night; the reality of it kept me anxious throughout the day. After experiencing ten months of homelessness in 2012, as an educated woman (with a master’s degree), wife, mother of one child while pregnant with number two, could you blame me?
We didn’t become homeless overnight. It was a slow occurrence after an unexpected job loss two-days before baby number one was born in July of 2011. Such a traumatic experience opened my eyes to the lies I’ve been told for years: “Go to college and get a degree so you can get a good-paying job. Then start a family, buy a car, buy a home, etc.” Those lies that were probably once the truth back-in-the-day hoodwinked me into believing that life would unfold smoothly in chronological order because no one told me the real deal:
“Inflation never ends! The job market is flaky! Unions no longer exist! The old retirement plan is extinct! Economy recessions occur in cycles! Unemployment is a reality! More importantly, homelessness does not discriminate!”
After landing a one-bedroom apartment in November of 2012, after ten months of homelessness, one month before baby number two was born, I made it up in my mind that such a devastating blow will never happen again—not on my watch! So, what did I do, you may ask?
I jumped from one network marketing company to the next. First, there was 5Linx, then Melaleuca, and finally, It Works before I realized that network marketing isn’t my jam. The recruiting component was nerve-racking, the marketing of the products was too routine-ish, and no matter the momentum of the company, I would lose excitement and find myself cruising down the boredom lane. Then eventually, I wrote a book.
Now, although I’ve always wanted to become an author, starting many books, never finishing any, I did not intend to write this book. One night while reflecting upon my healing journey from experiencing homelessness, I cried out to God, desiring to know why I still felt so far from His presence internally. The Holy Spirit revealed to me that it was because I never dealt with my physiological responses to Hurricane Katrina (yes, I am a Hurricane Katrina survivor).
Immediately, I began to journal daily as a means for inner healing. By day five, while reviewing my journal entries, I thought to myself, “this looks like a book,” and the Holy Spirit replies with two words, “It is!” I completed the manuscript for my first book, Is Freedom Your Reflection in the Mirror? Eight Steps to Overcoming Trauma, in six weeks fall of 2014 and released it in August of 2015 (the tenth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina).
Although my book is valuable and life-changing for readers wherein I inspire them with my personal story, educate them about trauma, and guide them through the healing process, I was still on the prowl to conjure up ways in creating streams of income. In the back of my mind, I was like, “Show me the money,” totally oblivious to the fact that I AM THE MONEY!
At that time, we were still living in a one-bedroom apartment with our third baby as of July 2015. Don’t get me wrong; there was nothing exploitative in what I was doing. I found legitimate legal ways to incur extra income to support my family. However, as a child of God, I was committing an idolatrous crime by not keeping God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit at the forefront of my pursuit.
I was in self-preservation mode; I was not purpose-driven. I was all about making sales; I was not aspiring to make or be a difference. I was looking for ways to create multiple sources of income; I was not casting a valuable vision that would attract the monetary provision. Until one day, when the Holy Spirit knocked on the door of my heart, asserting, “We will not move you and your family from this place (our one-bedroom apartment) until you get your mind right about money.”
At that moment, it became clear to me that I had become a slave to money. Yeah, I appeared to include the LORD on my income building excursions with my religious talk, but from the depths of my heart, the LORD was not in the equation at all whatsoever. For the Word of God says, “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have; for He said, I will never leave you or forsake you. So, we can say with confidence; the Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can anyone do to me?” (Hebrews 13:5-6 NRSV). I had to shift; I had to repent. I needed to return to my first Love in my life regarding money.
How did I follow through with my repentance? Since the Bible tells us that it is the LORD our God who gives us the ability to create wealth (Deuteronomy 8:17-20), I conducted an in-depth word study on the word wealth in October of 2015. As I allowed the Holy Spirit to renew my mind about wealth as a noun is a state of being, I came to know and believe with conviction in my heart that I AM THE MONEY!
No longer was I obsessed with building streams of income. My focus was on pursuing the Source of wealth who resides within (the Holy Spirit) for clarity on how to unlock my genius creative ability to build wealth from a posture and position of my divine purpose for being. Shortly after that, in January of 2016, my family and I moved into a two-bedroom apartment! Then the Spirit of the LORD gave me my first money-making Signature Coaching Program, the Freedom from Trauma Boot Camp (formerly known as Fear to Freedom Boot Camp) that I launched March of 2016. Won’t He do it!
YOU ARE THE MONEY! Practical Application
The following are a few practical applications from my word study that I pray will help you come to know that you are the money:
Wealth is a mindset. The dictionary defines wealth as “an abundance or profusion of anything; plentiful amount.” Jesus, while in His humanity, stated, “I came that they might have life more abundantly” (John 10:10). The word might, implies that there is a prerequisite to tapping into the possibility of the abundant life that Jesus came to give because it is not a guarantee. Therefore, you must commit to cultivating a mindset of wealth.
Wealth is a vision.Without vision, people cast off restraint (Proverbs 29:18). In other words, wealth requires discipline, and to maintain diligence, you must have a solid concept, and to develop a secured vision, you must have the ability to see with your mind (imagination) and not your sight—physical eyes (Hebrews 11:1). When you are wealthy with divine insight, you think creatively, consciously, and critically to receive strategic clarity and act courageously.
Wealth is the Word. The company you keep determines your worth, value, and wealth. Are the thoughts, behavior, people, places, and activities of your life liabilities or assets? Are they subtracting or adding value to you? Who is your most considerable investment? Conduct a wealth inventory assessment to align every thought, behavior, person, place, thing, or action in your life with the delight of the law of the LORD—the Word of Life that will bring you great success even as your soul prospers (Psalm 1:1-2 & 3 John 1:2).
Wealth is Ever Increasing.Wealth will continue to increase as you do. When you remain committed to your growth, development, and transformation process as a carrier and creator of wealth, you will live in the realm of more than enough lacking no good thing. You will witness excess productivity and results in your life; your leaves of prosperity will not whither, as who you are, and all that you do, and touch consistently grows (Psalm 1:3).
Wealth Reflection. Journal your responses and thoughts to the following: What is wealth? How do you obtain the ability to create it? Read, review, and reflect upon 2 Kings 4:1-7.
Wealth is who you are and can create!
~Freedom Coach Nataushia Miller
NATAUSHIA MILLER is a daughter of the King, Author, Freedom Coach, Global Speaker, and the Founder of Character for Life Global, Inc. She has helped countless people break through internal barriers such as fear, and shame due to unhealed trauma. Her life-coaching style offers a unique approach with Biblical Principles and sociological concepts for leaders who desire Healing from Trauma God’s Way.
In life, everyone will experience some form of rejection. For some people, it can be traced back to single events that had no lasting effects on the individual. Then there are others, like myself, who encounter rejection at an early age without the cognitive tools or spiritual awareness to recognize that such a toxic spirit came to wreak havoc in my life. According to Apostle John Eckhardt, “the most damaging type of rejection experienced, is that experienced early in life.” I can testify to the truth of his statement as I have lived it for most of my life.
When I was a child, I had an encounter with my dad, which left me feeling abandoned, inadequate, and rejected. I had nowhere to turn with my thoughts and feelings, but inward to my seven-year-old brain, or so I thought. I allowed the lies of the enemy to become my truth. I hated myself and everyone else. Yet, I never stopped loving my dad but would harbor animosity toward him for years to come and punish myself for how he made me feel that one day.
Every decision I made was a result of the rejected perception I had of myself. The crazy thing is that all my life, I was surrounded by genuine love from family, friends, and potential spouses, but I could not comprehend that love, let alone see it. I was double-minded, frustrated, and a people-pleaser, all because in my heart, I did not know or comprehend who I was or to whom I belong. I spent almost two decades walking around bound to this horrible spirit. Even after salvation, I was in captivity of my past. However, Abba worked through me slowly and patiently, one step at a time.
I once believed that after I accept salvation in Christ, Jesus, I would be good to go and free, but that was not my experience. I received the gift of redemption at the age of 16, and it wasn’t until almost 20 years later that I would fully surrender and allow God access to the depths of my heart to begin restoring my inner brokenness. I famished the decade of my 20’s with depression, drinking, drug usage, fornication, toxic relationships, dysfunction, and in so much unhealed pain. Pain so deep that I did not know if I could ever be whole or where healing could begin. But Abba…true to His nature, He met me right where I was and begin to bring me out, with inner healing and deliverance at a slow and steady pace.
Not too long ago, I believed that only healing was a process, not realizing that deliverance is a journey also. Somethings have established such deep, thick, and entangled roots in our hearts that it takes time to remove them entirely, residue, and all. I had to start.
Abba presented the spirit of fear as my starting point. He guided me into learning and understanding the ins and outs of fear: what it looks like, where it came from, why it launches gruesome attacks, and how to triumph it. Abba used fear to begin to show me how He works with, in, and through us as we journey through healing and deliverance and into restoration and redemption.
Have you ever noticed that Abba addresses an issue that entraps us to reveal to us His redemptive power and love for us? God, the Father, engages us in the capacity we can receive His guidance, intimacy, and revelation.
While in training to combat the spirit of fear, God was preparing my heart for more intrusive surgery. I did not realize this until three years later. It was part of the process where my faith and trust in God had to increase so I could receive a more profound level of inner healing and deliverance. I kept peace and comfort in knowing that becoming whole in Christ Jesus is an ongoing process.
After fear, frustration became the issue of life that flowed from the depths of my heart. Why may you ask? People-pleasing, double-mindedness, and feelings of inadequacy are manifestations of the spirit of rejection, which all can become a form of frustration.
One day when I was in quiet time with Abba crying out to Him, asking why do people frustrate me so much? The Holy Spirit showed me a vision of me when I was a teenager; I was getting up from a sexual act with a man and felt so empty. The Holy Spirit told me that I am frustrated with people because I am always willing to give up my soul in exchange for the feeling of being loved. Whoa! The scripture “What profit a man to gain the world but lose his soul,” popped into my mind. It was at that moment that I repented, cried, and sat with my thoughts of interactions with the men in my life, friends, colleagues, everyone. I was ready and willing to sabotage my very soul for a temporary emotional experience.
At that moment, I did not fully understand what had taken place, and it would be a couple of years later when I would realize that Abba wanted my heart, mind, body, and soul, and He wanted all of who I am whole. Yet, it was at that moment that my heart shifted, and I was strong enough to continue the process. I was able to look at myself and Abba in a healthier perspective. He wanted me to understand what real intimacy was, and how my desire to feel love was my soul gasping for an intimate relationship with Abba. Such a burning bush experience with the Holy Spirit brought me from a superficial knowing of Abba into a deep space of oneness I did not know existed.
Over the following months, I continued to identify and uproot areas in my life that distorted my perception of myself, God, and our intimate connection. I continued to invest in myself, learning about rejection and deliverance, relationships, my identity, and Abba. Once you repent and come out of agreement with the lies you once believed about yourself, you are free to move forward to the next level of healing and deliverance until you obtain restoration and reclaim your God-given authority.
I began to see Abba as my Heavenly Father. He is all things to us as we need Him to be, and in this season, He was dealing with the matters of my heart regarding my biological father, where the seed of rejection all began for me.
Earlier this year, my earthly father suffered a rare form of stroke caused by a ruptured aneurysm in his brain. He had an emergency surgery to address the three aneurysms he had and received a 10% prognosis of survival. My dad was in a coma and on life support for 23 days. During this time, I was able to lay everything on the table about my dad with Abba; I received a prophetic confirmation about the healing that was taking place and how much Abba loves me. I experienced Abba in a new way, that released the chains of my heart to receive all His love for me. As a result, there was a release to forgive my dad completely AND to love him wholly and unconditionally, as Abba loves us. Today my dad is recovering well, and we are closer than we have ever been in my 37 years on earth.
You may be wondering what took place with me? I will tell you that Abba used my pain to purify my heart, to draw me closer to Him, to allow me to see Him, and discover my authentic self so I can move forward in the next season in my life. All of it was preparation for the fulfillment of my purpose for being. I could never fulfill my God-given mission while in bondage to pain, and neither can you.
God has been showing me and allowing me to experience His love for me, and in change, I have finally learned to love myself. Rejection is not my portion. I am loved, necessary, and I am more than enough! The spirit of rejection has no power in my life anymore. I had an encounter with the Holy Spirit, ABBA, and Jesus that would draw me into a place where I love myself, entirely. I no longer seek the approval of people. I now trust the LORD wholeheartedly while waiting for guidance instead of moving in doubt and double-mindedness. No longer do I allow negative internal thoughts to run wild in my mind. I have taken back my God-given power and activated my authority over the enemy and his attacks on my life.
Redemption Leads to Restoration
I have been redeemed, in my identity, my relationships with people, and my relationship with God because I allowed Him in to do the work that only He can do. I can finally see myself through Him! Hallelujah Lord Jesus! It has not been a comfortable journey but having the Holy Spirit with me through it all empowers me to keep going while enabling others to start or continue their process from rejection to restoration.
The following are three practical principles to help you ensure that the spirit of rejection and its manifestations have no place in your life:
Repent– Confess any lies you have believed and agreed with verbally, mentally, and by action. Remember, those decisions and actions were in your heart. With repentance, you are removing and releasing the lies to make room for the Truth.
Participate in your Process– Intentionally and consistently spend time with the Holy Spirit, allowing Him to flow through you as He guides, reveals, and comforts you. The more you rely on the Spirit of the Lord, the more you are inclined to stay the course.
Invest in Yourself– A huge part of my continual progress in my healing journey has come from me taking the time to work on my heart, mind, and emotions. Everything else follows, aligns, and falls into place because I use this standard in every area of my life. We should consistently invest in our growth and development in all areas of our lives through prayer, training, books, webinars, etc.
Remember, everything we do begin in our minds. In Christ, rejection is powerless. We are accepted, healed, and restored. Our lives should reflect the freedom, power, and authority we possess. I encourage you to address any areas in your life that rejection has kept you in bondage. The world awaits the arrival of your redeemed and restored self.
Shavia Johnson is a woman of God, Author, Speaker, Youth Advocate, and Restoration Empowerment Coach. She is driven by the desire to see young men ad women experience healing and deliverance from the effects of pain suppression caused bu unresolved childhood trauma. She helps people navigate through the healing process, helping them identify and break down barriers that hold them captive to toxic cycles of bondage.
It was nothing for me to spend at least 120 hours a week working in the marketplace. My extreme work ethics began with excuses such as, “I had to sharpen my craft, skills, and abilities in my related field within the healthcare industry.” There were very few women of color in my role. Then, it became the projects, and there were never enough hours in the day to accomplish them all. I certainly wasn’t spending as much time as I needed in prayer, meditation, reading, and studying of the scriptures, or even communicating with God consistently. There was so much Holy Spirit wanted to reveal to me, but my posture, position, and priorities wouldn’t allow Him to penetrate the altar of my heart.
I was seized by fear, panic, and exhaustion, trying to ensure that others perceive me as valuable. I was so focused on what I could do instead of what God wanted to do in and through me! You may ask, where does such a mindset originate? I wasn’t living the life of abundance, peace, and freedom, and I indeed wasn’t experiencing God’s presence in the way that I had read about in the scriptures. I knew in my heart of hearts that God hadn’t changed but that I had lost my way, and some unhealed areas were leaking from my heart. So, I began a retrospective journey back over my past experiences that created the unhealed wounds of my soul.
I reflected upon my childhood, in which there were some traumatic experiences. My parents divorced just before I reached that awkward adolescent stage of development. It was a critical time when I was struggling with my body image, self-worth, and identity! I was a die-hard Daddy’s girl, and I was trying to make sense of why my Daddy wasn’t physically present in our home anymore? Why wasn’t he around to protect me? I can remember thinking it must have been something I’d done! I came to understand and learn that adults deal with situations that have little or nothing to do with the children that are a product of the relationship! The exploration and explanation of such relational dynamics are other topics for a different blog article at another time!
Back to the subject at hand, at the tender age of 12, I was fondled inappropriately by an adult, adding to my trauma experience. My external defense manifested as weight gain and engaging relationships that weren’t healthy and NOT at all good for me! To be transparent, maintaining a healthy weight was something that had been an ongoing area in my life that needed constant attention and discipline. Weight gain became my way of hiding in plain sight.
My family had labeled me the “quiet one” in contrast to my sister. The fact of the matter was I didn’t know how to share what had happened to me. I carried so much fear, shame, guilt, blame, and the burden of wondering: who would believe me? I was just a child; there were others I was trying to protect! In hindsight, I cannot comprehend the irony of such a selfless act that was simultaneously self-sabotaging. How did I possess the capacity to suppress what happened to me for the sake of protecting others? I have come to realize and know that Abba Father had given me the strength to endure what was eating away at me internally.
During that time in my life, I also mastered the skills of isolation. It was a way to protect myself from hurt, disappointment, rejection, abandonment, and a whole barrage of internal buildup that I’d need to heal, address, and get FREE from in the decades ahead!
I took on quiet confidence and disposition of “I can do it on my own,” I didn’t care what “IT” was; I wore my fake badge of honor proudly! However, such a false form of armor became a problematic barrier as I began to grow and mature into a teenager, young-adult, then adulthood!
In my teenage years, I spent time engaging in the self-discovery process. I’m sure you think that’s the same as most teenagers. However, I believe that the Father wants us to be secure in who we are in Him. I didn’t realize that until my young adult life.
One day I was tired of carrying the load, it was time to let it go, and I couldn’t do IT on my own. I began to pour out my innermost thoughts in a very candid conversation with the Abba:
God, I’ve tried to carry the weight of the hurt, guilt, and shame because I did not trust you. I’m nothing without you; I need you in my life. I surrender my mind, will, emotions, thoughts, and all that I’ve tried to FIX on my own, and I give it all to you right now at this moment.
At that very moment, I felt such a release that I hadn’t experienced ever before. It was as if the Father had been waiting for me to STOP my self-reliance, strength, abilities, what I knew, and give Him the reigns of my life.
I began to meditate on the word to shift my mindset and posture to trust God with every part of my inner being and life: But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. Jeremiah 17:7-8 NIV; And I find that the strength of Christ’s explosive power infuses me to conquer every difficulty. Phil 4:13 TPT
The following is a parallel example of how self-reliance can cause us to move away from Abbas original intent for our lives subtly:
Ralph Waldo Emerson was an American poet, essayist, and philosopher. Emerson won fame as the leader of the transcendentalist movement. Ralph Emerson was invited by Boston’s Second Church to serve as pastor and was later ordained. Unfortunately, after only two years, Emerson’s wife died; this made him question his thoughts and beliefs. The man who once believed in biblical miracles decided to resign his pastorate. He firmly believed that the individual must have the courage to investigate his own heart for spiritual guidance and trust his intuition. Emerson’s views suggest that men can generate completely original insights and that the truth can be experienced directly from nature without any divine help.
Reflect.What path Mr. Emerson’s life could have taken?
I’m not implying that self-reliance is a bad thing, but it can be a disguise for mistrust—idolatry. Perhaps your idol isn’t self-reliance; it could be the mindset of independence to the point where you aren’t able to trust our Father in every area of your life or with the wounds of your heart. Whatever your idol is, be honest enough to explore it, the root of its existence, and know that God is waiting to partner with you on your journey to healing and freedom.
“Because I cannot rely on myself, I rely on Him, twenty-four hours a day.”
Debbie Renee Howard is a woman of faith, an Executive Pastor, Speaker, Consultant, and Transformation Coach. She has an innate ability to empower, inspire, develop and equip men and women to identify areas in their lives that lack purpose, and need healing. She achieves this through God’s Wisdom and her unique gift of insightful communication which provokes clarity and introspection.